For Chip: He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. —Unknown

Saturday, October 24, 2015

In A Moment

I was still grieving as I drove to work.   It was early morning and I was at work where I should be in work mode.  However, I had to pretend not to feel or show any emotion.  My coworker walked in and started talking about tasks for the day.  She quickly realized all was not right with me.  She glanced down and saw the crumpled Kleenex in my hand.  I tried to hide my pain, but my red puffy eyes and smeared makeup were a giveaway.  How could grief take such joy away from life?

It had only been a few months since my mom and I had driven down 34rd St. after leaving her favorite restaurant, Luby’s. This cafeteria is known for having square fish.   She turned to me and said it was time to get everything in order.  She said I could get more done if she were with me.  How true that was.  Her faith and strength were stronger than anyone I had every known.  I agreed to do what ever she wanted me to do.  I listened as she gave me instructions.  We discussed everything as if we were running a business.  I felt so inadequate in strength compared to this woman.  That day my mom and I made an alliance that I would follow her instructions.  I knew she had a premonition that the end was near.  We had a nice discussion and I was not sad or surprised.

At the time we were getting everything in order I did not know I would become obsessed with finding the perfect blue coffin. I also did not know that I would want to make sure she had the most beautiful blue dress to match the coffin. I did not know that I wanted the most beautiful songs and singers.  I did not know that my children would be contributing and supporting the entire event by speaking, singing, playing guitar and piano. I did not know that they would be so strong, and that they were all just like her in strength.  

Little did I know what was ahead of me.  Death was coming faster than I had imagined.  I thought it could be years. Death is always a surprise even when expected.  How do people handle an illness, death or catastrophic event without faith and religion?  What I really mean is how can someone survive grief without God?

The call came that today was the day.  The day of death? Surely they were wrong and it would take several days. I was already driving to see her.  My tears were similar to a bad thunderstorm.  I could see nothing and all I wanted was a chaplain, a pastor, or a rabbi. I needed someone that had more clout with God than I did.   In the midst of chaos I felt total calm and comfort as the church deacons arrived.  The church sent members who came to support and encourage me as I traveled into territory where I had never been. She was unresponsive they said.  The sounds of her breathing were rather loud, but consistent. Her purple feet were indications that the body was shutting down. I grabbed her hand as I always did and brushed her hair back over her ears.  I wanted to say all these wonderful things she had done for me, but I knew that if I did I would break down in tears.  She wasn’t too fond of weakness and crying so I just sat quietly as her weary breathing continued.

How could this be happening?  The day before she wanted me to go to lunch with my son and his wife, but I could not leave her.  There would be plenty of time for lunches.   She had also asked me, “Who will take care of you?”  I had left her the night before and when she looked at me it was as if she could not see.  I believe that was the veil before death that I had read about.  She was leaving us, but I did not think so soon.

I was all alone and waiting for my son to arrive. The middle son came into the room and I was hopeful when I saw him.  I was hopeful that things would be better.  He sweetly leaned over and said “Granny:  Jeff is here.  I’m here now”.  Within minutes her breathing changed.  I said out loud, “Her breathing is changing.”  She was given morphine under the tongue and within seconds her breaths stretched out.  I thought she stopped breathing and then there was one more breath.  My son and I both sat motionless and cried quietly.  I felt of her chest and arms to see if there was another breath or if she felt warm.  There was nothing.  The hospice nurse, Artis sat with his head down as we both cried.  He was a wonderful nurse.  He had put baby lotion all over his hands and arms.  The smell was wonderful.  He slowly and methodically went to his bag and pulled out a stethoscope.  He checked her and looked at us and said, “She’s passed”. 

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Electric Light Orchestra - Calling America

Substitute every negative thought with a positive one.  Never let the negative thought in and you will have a better day.  If this does not work go for music.  It never fails to lift one's spirit.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Neil Young & Crazy Horse - I Saw Her Standing There [HD]

Not Giving Up

The elderly grey haired lady slouched over in the wheelchair reeling from the effects of Alzheimer’s.  Her daughter fawned over her energetically, and it was obvious the daughter had not seen her in a while.  She lived in Albuquerque and was feeling guilty that she had been away from her mom for too long.  The mom was not happy about anything, and the daughter was trying too hard to please her.  The wayward daughter was fidgety and grabbing the mom every time she adjusted herself in the wheelchair.  She seemed anxious to send the mom to bed.

My mom sat quietly as she stared out the window and pointed at the flowers on the trees and plants in the one sanctuary I have found at the facility.  There were a few bunnies hopping around shrubs and into ground cover where they became invisible.  My mom was smiling as she looked outside.  I grabbed my sunglasses and gave them to her.  I thought she looked trendy in Coach Sunglasses since she always wears huge sunglasses worn after eye surgery.   Her glaucoma has wreaked havoc on her vision.  She seems very sad except for when she goes outside and sees the plants, flowers and feels the hot air.  I knew the heat would not bother her since she would never turn on the air conditioning in her own home.   Frequently, her house was ninety degrees when I came to visit.

The out of Towner talked incessantly as she noted the nine months she had missed with her mom.  I laughed as she gasped when they were at the dining table and her mom yelled out “I don’t give a damn”.  The daughter kept apologizing to the other diners explaining that her mom had never said such harsh words.  The other diners had various ailments including stroke and dementia, and would not have noticed the conversation.

I had sat at a table for two with my mother as she sipped nectar water.  It is given to patients who have lost the ability to swallow.  She sipped her favorite drink of Dr. Pepper, but grimaced at the taste.  The only food she attempted to eat was a spoonful of ice cream, and she only tasted.  Despite rejecting food she still seems strong and alert.  She lunges forward as she attempts to leave the chair.  I knew she had still not given up when she pointed at my purse and then did a thumbs up as she said “Let’s go”.  “You can get something to eat on the way”.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Bill Murray - Dogs & People

                                                                          Bill Murray


When I Feel Like Giving Up

When I feel like giving up

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

You're Beautiful - Liberty Campus Band

When someone has a weakness the weakness does not define the person.  We all have weaknesses, but also many strengths.   People tend to underestimate the good qualities and concentrate on the negative.  If I do not want to speak at a city council meeting,  but I am a good public speaker am I a failure?  Of couse not.  For every weakness one can find a strength that at least equals or bypasses the weakness. 

Man must not undermine themselves when they are so talented, but choose to dwell on one insecurity. The teenager is beautiful and looks in the mirror. Instead of seeing the beautiful body and contoured face he/she chooses to see a blemish.   This is the human tendancy to focus on the weakness or flaw and overlook incredible assets.

The human being is created by a higher power........and we are beautiful despite our shortcomings and inadequacies.

Aerosmith - Dude (Looks Like A Lady)

Thursday, April 16, 2015

What Does Prayer Do For You?

Prayer has become such an important part of my life.   I depend on prayer for the most insignificant needs. Driving, working, eating and everything I do revolves around prayer.  If scared or worried I go to prayer.  My prayer begins "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost".  

I had a medical procedure today. It worked out fine, but during the process I relied on prayer.  Of course I do realize that it's not going to make everything ok, but it gives me hope.  Until I lived by myself, I was kind of a haphazard proponent of prayer.  Now that my job and everything I do depends on my success to keep my house and income, it has become a very important part of my life.

The pastor showed us how he positioned his hands in a cupped version with palms up, as if accepting blessings into your soul when praying.  There is no right method and I feel like it really is not important.  I just want to  make the most out of my prayers.  I have had so many co-workers lose their jobs and I lift them up in prayer.  There are too many requests in my life to mention, but it helps me get through the day.  When times are tough, it's the one thing that gives me assurance.  I want to be strong, but I am nothing without the power of prayer. I am just a girl praying for the best outcome for those I know and love.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

In the Name of ..........

My memories of Easter consist of new white shoes, a beautiful dress, and possibly some accessories.  I dreaded the shoes because my feet were big for my body, and white makes the foot look like a boat.  White shoes with a gangly thin body make an embarrassing profile.  The best Easter Bunny visit was a new swimsuit, a bucket with shovel for the sandbox, and a colored baby chick.  The chicken became full grown and I treated him like any other pet holding and petting him.  When I was very young my mom told me that the Easter Bunny was retiring.  I just took it in stride, but quickly decided it must be a money issue. I feel the same way when we do not get raises at work.  Say goodbye to the Easter Bunny.

I loved Saturday night with a Prell shampoo and some pampering with my hair. I was fascinated with Prell and the commercials of a pearl dropping through the bright green liquid.   The next day we were off to church followed by a nice lunch with relatives.

Easter has always been a great experience that I still fondly remember with my boys.  It was always something to look forward too.  This all changes with aging parents and children that move away.  It's not quite the same, but we do the best we can.  Friends sometimes substitute the holiday that parents used to fill.  I have encountered much joy this Easter with over zealous fun loving holiday people.  We are always looking for hope and a joyous occasion to celebrate.

I hope the day and year brings health, happiness and prosperity in the Name of Jesus.  

Happy Easter!

Michael Neale - Your Great Name

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Ladies: Don't Give Up

Some of us ladies are too laid back to be effective when we face adversity.  Sometimes we lay down like a royal carpet and let the aggressor parade over us.

You need to be more aggressive and put up the best fight you can. Remember before bullying was trending, children would pick on you at school.  I was so incredibly shy, but my parents would say if you don't fight back it will get worse.  That happens in real life too. The coward may try to strip you, humiliate you and leave you hypothetically laying by the roadside.

Now we are adults and people may still bully us. Why? I think sometimes it is because we are women, and men may try to take advantage. One of my neighbors turned me into the city for illegal watering. If he had asked I would have told him that my sprinkler system has been off for several months. I had to go to a seedy office in my city and sign a citation because they cut off your water in 5 days. Then you must pay a fine for up to $2000. I spent several hundred dollars to have the sprinkler company give me an ok on the system and verify no leaks. The next step is to talk to a prosecutor and see a judge to determine the charges. The frustrating thing is I did nothing. It appears that the alley gets runoff after a rain and with seepage it gives the effect of watering. The attorney said I could probably clear the violation myself, but I hired him which is another $150. I had to be off work and spend money all because a neighbor preferred to be a coward and interrupt my life. Sometimes life does not seem fair. In the middle of this I had two medical procedures and instead of resting I tended to this issue. I also deal daily with an ailing 98 year old mother. Did my neighbor ever think of my circumstances? Of course not and I'm a single woman just trying to work and mind my own business 

Some would disagree, but I would say be patient because when you least expect it things will turn around and take care of you? Christians will believe God had a hand. Others may say it's karma, but ladies I'm living proof that with prayer and possible guardian angels like my dad things will get better when you least it expect it. What happens to these devious people is not my concern, but just have faith and you will be rewarded.  Your friends will guide and support you. Thanks to my two best friends Carol and John who are always there for me.